05/04/01 ~ Tonight, and the rest of my life.

Tonight was fun... shawn and I went and played baseball with the cypher crew..... we whooped the other team... took shawn home, went home myself...waited a few hours, picked zach up, went to dave's house... hung there for a li'l bit, then took zach back home. Shawn and i made our trek up to denny's for the night... here's where the story begins.

there was this pretty attractive girl sitting at a booth next to ours at dennys... she reminded me of tiffany. her laugh, her smile, the way she held herself and composed herself. dan was reminiscing a lot tonight. shawn and i finished our girl-sized meals and took off... i decided i wasn't tired so i just started randomly driving around.  this is kind of a normal routine for us, just driving around until all hours of the morning listening to cd's and whatnot, just talking... we put in a cd... dixie chicks 'fly' to be exact... and something about the harmonies and the words of the songs brought all sorts of memories and emotions flooding back into my heart and mind. I can't get her out of my life. Our journey randomly took us out to around where she was from, and seeing all of the buildings and whatnot brought even more memories back. I love her. just driving, remembering.. thinking... the things i thought about... some were about her boyfriend... something I'd longed to be for three years and.... well.... still do today. i wonder how he treats her, how he thinks, what he's like... not in that malicious 'god i hate him i want him dead.' sort of mindset... but more of a 'this will help me learn even more about her...' sort of way. shawn and i started talking about prom.. instantly all the memories of that night berated me. the way she looked in her dress... the way her eyes sparkled when she smiled.. the way she felt when we held each other while we danced. I knew i was the luckiest guy in the house, i had my dream on my arm for the best night of my life. seeing the pictures from prom, seeing the flower from my tuxedo... makes me fall in love with her all over again. I know i can't feel like this, i know it's not right, and i should get over it. i can't do it. every time i try to convince myself to try to let go i feel like I'm giving up on my heart. tonight i sat on my deck behind my house for a while... just looking at the stars, thinking of her, and how crystal clear the sky is by her house... how ever having the chance to be with her would be the best thing in the world... wondering why i let myself do this... why i can't let her go. we never had anything mutually besides a friendship... all i want is to care for her, and have the opportunity to tell her how much I do love her, and how much i genuinely care about her. Tiffany, you may hate me for this... but this is how i feel.. and how i've felt since the day i met you.

forever.

dan